Saturday, March 21, 2009


I am still waiting to hear back from City Year. I am having a heck of a time with one of my references, so of course I feel like a flake. Plus the people at the office have been so patient with me about all of this paperwork and such. I really, really want to do this. I've been praying over the last couple of days for a renewed sense of desire for what God wants. Where is His heart in what I am doing? What does He care about? What does He like?

Today has been a really good day. Excellent. So was yesterday. K and I had a great day together, playing at Mamalu's and reading fairy tales when we got home. I love walking from their house to the B61 bus stop in the evenings. I take a long route there, and it's during the early evening when the sun is setting. It is so beautiful. I really love Williamsburg and Greenpoint. And I especially love not taking the L train. I'd always rather take the bus. So much more to see.

I've gotten into this TV show Jericho. It was a show about a town in Kansas dealing with a nuclear attack that destroyed 23 American cities. One of those post-apocalyptic shows. It only lasted for 29 episodes, but it was such an incredible show. I never watched it when it was actually on TV, just over the last couple of months on Netflix. I think I got started in November or December. Anyway, I finally watched the finale last night. Fantastic. Loved it. The thing I love about this show (among other things) is how it is structured. I find incredible parallels between the show and the Gospel. The first season was all about rebuilding Jericho and what that looked like, about getting a town put back together and getting it right again. Season two was about foreign attacks, dealing with outside influences, maintaining wholeness found. If my heart is not right towards God, I cannot fully love other people. Like this quote in Boundaries I keeping coming back to: "To know what to ask for, we have to be in touch with who we really are and what are our real motives." So, so true. Two separate things are going in: God is fixing individuals and God is fixing His creation. God heals us for a purpose. The healing is not in and of itself the final end, but rather it is a part of the ending, a part of the final redemption.

Also, I am so struck by the incredible passion in the show for the redemption of the world, for the full truth to be told and to be known, for a rebuilding. I know I am not passionate about God's kingdom, not as passionate as I should be. I am too inward looking, to self-centered, to me-focused. I hate it. I need to look up more. I need to look at my Creator and His mercy and grace as much as I consider my own failure and sin.

Yet again, I feel like I cannot convey what I am actually trying to say. I feel like I am so poetic in my own head, but that's because I don't have to communicate with real words. Sometimes a feeling is enough. I wish I could play the guitar, so my fingers could strum out a melody that my mouth could never put words to. It would be exactly what I am feeling right now.

Speaking of feeling right now, I am in general so excited about the future! I'm not sure why, only because I know a God who brings delight and who has promised hope and a future for all of us. And the best part is He knows me and will never forget me nor look past me. I still think this is absolutely incredible. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry has to miss the softball game because of a funeral. George is trying to talk Jerry out of feeling guilty about not going to the funeral and says to him "If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?"

If I was the God of the universe, would I care so much about this one planet in this one galaxy? And these people who lived and died on it? It's like me now taking an equal interest in every single ant that's existed ever on this planet. What?! Crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy how much God loves us. I guess all of this connects back to John Piper's Desiring God. If God truly was the best thing in the universe, He could not be a good God if He did not offer Himself to us. Something like that. Part of that.

Once again, I am thinking of moving to New Orleans. I'm going to apply in October for Teach for America and Teach NOLA, as well as NYC Teaching Fellows and Mississippi Teachers Corps. I know I want to be a teacher. God has definitely been growing in me a heart for New Orleans for a long time. Who knows. He does.

I just felt like writing a bit in the journal. Not a whole lot to say. Pretty content with life right now. In love with Jesus, but only, only because He was in love with me first.

Quote for the day will come from Jericho:

"It's not about convincing one man he's wrong. It's a whole system."
"You think it's impossible? This has all happened before. If the names weren't Jennings & Rall, it would be names like the British East India Trading Company. If it wasn't Ravenwood, it would be the Hessian mercenaries. It all comes down to the same thing..."

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