Thursday, September 10, 2009

The First Day of Fall

Many a journal entry and short story has been written by me about the first day of fall. It rarely falls on September 22 (or whenever the "official" start is), but rather it begins whenever I notice something "fall-ish" happening. Today T and I played baseball in the park for a couple of hours. When I was in middle school, I wrote a short story about the first day of fall, and it involved me playing softball in the yard with my mom. Something about sports and autumn in my mind are linked, as I am also watching the first NFL game of the season right now (Tennessee v. Pittsburgh, eh, don't mind who wins).

I've been wanting to write another blog since about March (my last entry) I'm sure. I love to blog and journal, and I will think during the day "oh, I want to write this down" but for some reason I don't. Hazard of not working around a computer all day long - which I absolutely LOVE! I could never work in an office or at a desk. Never. Would lose it pretty quickly.

Since March, so much has happened. Attempting to catch up.

Stopped nannying for K and L at the end of May. Still miss them.

Nannied for A and T during June.

Another summer at camp. I absolutely love being a camp counselor. Another year of four-year-old boys. There is something just magical about four-year-olds. I think it's the best year ever. Old enough to be aware of the world around them (not always true for three-year-olds) and young enough to not be in school yet and still be very attached to adults. Probably speaking from my own growth, but I loved this year so much more than last. I felt so much more aware of myself and of my boys and of my co-counselors. I could set boundaries with people I needed to set boundaries with. I could love my kids in a good way. Overall it was a fabulous experience. I love my job.

Nannied for K for two weeks. Forgot how exhausting yet rewarding it is to spend the day with her. Our last day together was magical. We spent most of the day at the park. I love the park by her house. So many kids, so diverse. There's this one family of boys that is there all the time. Their grandmother watches them, this overweight, heavily tattooed, deep-voiced woman whom I aspire to be one day. Always wearing a tank top. She plays poker with two of her friends on this certain picnic bench, she has a cooler full of drinks and a picnic basket full of snacks and she isn't afraid to yell at her grandkids AND their friends. Anyway, K and I watched this man attempt to rescue his blow-up rocket ship from up in a tree. It was waaaay up there in the tree, and at first he tried to throw a soccer ball at it. Then he got creative and filled up a water bottle halfway with water and tied a string to the cap, then spent almost 45 minutes throwing this bottle up, trying to shake the limb the rocket clung to. It was amazing. K sat on my shoulders for a while, both of us watching. We made friends with a six-year-old boy, and he and K played together for nearly an hour, running around together. It was absolutely adorable, totally love and first sight.

We also spent one afternoon at a birthday party, and did you know there are houses in Greenpoint with legit backyards? It was amazing. Just like being anywhere else in the country.

I have applied to Teach for America, and I made past the application round to the phone interview round. I am so excited! I am more than excited. I am full of a deep joy that can only spring from my Savior and my God. Only from Him. I m so intensely desirous of this opportunity, this moment, I can hardly justify any attempt to put it into words (yet here I go again). I want this so badly. So, so badly. Everything about this makes sense, it makes sense on some level I cannot even know or understand. I want to do this. Not for me, but for these children. These children deserve something better than what they're getting. I plan on becoming a teacher no matter what TFA decides. If they don't select me, that's not going to stop this epic quest to become a teacher. But I really do want TFA. I want to work in the rural South - that would absolutely be my first choice. Rural regions are so ignored. Urban poverty is broadcast everywhere. It makes the news. People want to help because they want to live in those areas anyway. No one wants to move to the middle of nowhere. But I do. Not that that desire makes me better or more capable or more ready, not at all. I am still a weak, flawed human vessel. Why the good Lord would choose to use me or work through me, I still have absolutely no idea. I wouldn't choose me. I know I'm going to fail. Any successes I do have are all His anyway. So why do I do this? Because my God has called me here. He has said to me "Be My hands and feet here on earth." Just like what He said to Peter in John 21: "Feed My sheep."

I have started nannying for T and A this week. Absolutely love these two kids, but they can definitely be a handful (as all kids can be). T and I have spent the last two days together, as A is in school now. He's been asking me lots of questions about death and God and Heaven. I am a bit stuck at how to answer these questions. I tell him that God loves him so, so much, that God knows him very, very well, that he can talk to God whenever he wants and ask Him anything at all. T is just going thru a "death phase" right now I guess. I'm trying to tell him the truth, and honestly he's looking for comfort right now. He asks if his mom will be in Heaven. What can I say? I have no idea. I tell him yes, of course she will be. I tell him that all of his family will be there. Then, this evening, he tells his mom what he learned about Heaven today, and she gives the perfect response for who she is. She says that Heaven, like religion, is up to the individual person, that people have different beliefs, that no one knows for sure, etc. Typical post-modern, culturally Jewish thing to say. I am silently screaming next to her, wanting to yell "Give him some hope! That's what he's really asking for!" It's amazing that to this young child, concepts like "heaven" and "God" totally and innately make sense. He can take them as a given. What an example of child-like faith. I totally don't have this. I ask God all the time to explain Himself to me. Like the end of Romans 11, "Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor?" I just want to be able to start with God and go from there.

I have been reading the TFA blogs, and I am totally obsessed. I love reading those blogs, thinking to myself "Yes! That is absolutely what teaching is like!" I am so not ready. I know this because I feel ready. Which means I am so unprepared.

I have watched the first four episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 on Netflix. The original. Circa 1990. Oh yeah.

I plan on blogging more often now. Epic entries will of course still be included. Quote for the day:

"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."

1 comment:

  1. Hi Erica,

    So glad to see you writing here again! I could just hear your voice saying all this as I was reading. You write like you speak! So cute.

    I love your heart for TFA. Keep me updated and I'll continue to pray that the Lord will give you your heart's desire.

    Miss you!
    Lauren W.